Coming Into Movement

Dance….somatics….dance therapy. It is what I’m supposed to be doing! This class was a strong reminder of that. Even though it's not what I'm doing at this very moment, I know I am working and getting closer to it. And my efforts will not be in vain.

I've written down some things that I discovered through this class tonight. They may not be very cohesive or clear statements, but I just wanted to get them down before I forgot. 

Breath and movement coincide. It’s not supposed to be like multitasking. They should be a single task that directly influence each other. Doing the movement across the floor incorporating voice really helped me see that more clearly. My movement should be happening because of my breath. Not in spite of (or in spite of the lack thereof). And not just in my dance movement, but in my everyday pedestrian movement as well.

It’s good to make noise. I think I've always been scared to make too much of a spectacle of myself, so I tend to keep a lot in. Including noise. So often, I feel a desire to just make some noise; whether it be talking, singing, yelling, or just making a weird noise! Even during this exercise I know I was holding back. There was so much more noise I wanted to make…so many sounds I wanted to explore. But I was nervous to do so for some reason. I knew it was a safe space. And yet I held myself back. I think maybe I’m scared to make noise because I’m afraid that people will not listen when I want them to, or listen when I don’t want them to. I do have things I want to share with people, but I am terrified of them being taken lightly when they are so important to me. And I also have things that I just want to keep to myself. However, just because I want to keep them to myself doesn't mean that I don’t want to express them. In keeping so much inside myself, I forget how to breathe, and I hold unnecessary tension.

Whenever I do improv, I tend to move very quickly. And in doing so, I forget about breath (once again). After today’s class I think I've discovered at least one reason why I do that. I’m afraid of running out of time. I mean, I do love doing quick movement, that much is certain. However, I do also love to indulge. Indulging movement has always been more difficult for me, but I do still enjoy it. When doing improv, though, I've found that I’m afraid of running out of time before I've had the chance to say all I want to say. And yet, whenever I go to that slightly panicked place, my movement isn't near as honest. My improv tonight came from such purer place than I’m used to. It felt much more calm and real than usual. And it was much slower than my “usual” movement. It felt so much more honest than my movement normally does. And while typically I feel like I have to hurry so that I can fit everything into the allotted time, I was not concerned with time at all. Time wasn't an issue. I wasn't aware of time. I knew that I would have enough time, whatever it would be. There will always be enough time, one way or another. I have time to do the things I want to do. If I try to hurry and fit everything in to my time frame, I’m going to miss out on some very important experiences.

After I did my improv, they gave me feedback. It was really interesting! The teacher told me that she didn't want me to stop, because it was so "yummy" and "chewy". I don't think I've ever had my movement described like that before! It was kind of exciting to me. The fact that I got some different feedback than I'm used to was just another testament that my movement was authentic. I was also told (I think by all three of them) that my movement was very heavy, but not in a hopeless way. It was more exploratory. And Jane mentioned that she could sort of see an outside substance of sorts that was almost enveloping me, and I was trying to move through it. We talked about this more on the drive home, which brought about some interesting insights. I have found that I'm always waiting for circumstances to be perfect. "I'll be able to do this when this happens." Or, "I'll be happy when I have this." However, while doing this improv I felt a more tangible testimony that I have the ability to mold and be molded. I need to accept and remember that I am affected by my environment and circumstances, as much as I've tried to deny that. I know that I have the capacity to grow and thrive wherever I am. "Bloom where you're planted". 

By coming into myself during these exercises, I feel like it opened me up to better connect with those around me. I wasn't so selfishly involved that I was blind to those around me, but I had found an avenue through which I can gain better access to both myself and others. I’m so excited about the things I've discovered today, and I can’t wait to follow up and continue with these realizations.

Day Nineteen: Motif Writing

CLASS

We did a quick review today of BESS (Body, Effort, Shape, Space). It felt pretty nice that I feel quite confident in all of those areas. I think having a solid bank of knowledge to pull from makes a pretty good difference in the rate of change and growth.

Then we moved on to motif writing. I think motif writing is super interesting, but it's not something I've felt any kind of connection with, or even much enjoyment. I can see how it may help from a choreographer's standpoint, but for me it almost seems like too much work. I almost feel stuck in whatever symbol is in front of me. I still need to get in a more creative standpoint.

Day Eighteen: Space

CLASS

We covered the topic of Space today, which I really enjoy as well! Kinesphere is something that just makes sense to me, so hearing and learning about them helps me better visualize my approach to my movement in the space. I've always known that I have a hard time filling the space that I'm in, and so now knowing that it's my kinesphere that I'm not filling, I can start to focus on something almost more tangible.

I also loved talking about spatial intent. That knowledge of where the body is going next in the space can make such an impact on the movement. That knowledge gives the body the information it needs to be able to organize itself accordingly in order to get you where you need to go.

Day Seventeen: Effort

CLASS

Today we learned about Effort. The Effort grid is sort of split up into two halves. Top left is considered indulgent, and the bottom right is considered fighting. It's kind of interesting...when I took this class last time, I remember being almost 100% on the fighting side (at least that's how I felt). And now, while I do still enjoy those fighting qualities, I see myself indulging more than I used to. Or at least attempting to. It's just kind of nice to feel some sort of validation that I've had some growth in the past year.

Day Sixteen: Shape Qualities

CLASS

Now we're really starting to get into Laban stuff, which I think is really kind of fun. So today we worked on Shape. So there are the still forms, the modes of shape change, and shape qualities. What i love about shape qualities is that it's about the approach to learning by applying qualities, instead of just trying to copy still forms. It allows the movement to have more depth.

We talked about how we should pay attention to what our bodies do in different types of situations. Perhaps if I pay attention, I could see some patterns form.

We also talked about how, as a teacher, it is fine to teach "yourself" to your students, but you should also be able to give them what they're missing (since you may also be missing it). It is this kind of situation in which knowing these shape qualities will be super useful.

Day Fifteen: Intro to Laban

CLASS

There's something Hannah said in class that I thought was interesting, that I had never really thought about before. She just mentioned how interesting it is how most of the pioneers of modern dance have a little bit of crazy in them, and how it's actually necessary. They go in so deep in movement and in the body in order to bring us just that much closer to a better understanding. I know I'm grateful for them.

We discussed how great it is that Laban didn't force his ideas on his students, but instead gave them the necessary tools so they could explore and discover what is meaningful to them.

Day Twelve: Integration

READING

Again, a lot of gems were found in this reading. One of my favorites was when it talked about how I am always moving through life. Whether through dance, or just in daily tasks, "I am moving through life--moving as life." This is significant because as I have learned all the Patters of Total Body Connectivity, I need to be able to apply them in all situations, not just in dance.

Another part I loved is when she says, "it is the effective functioning of changing relationships according to context that takes us to the integral stage with our moving." Basically, at this point, I need to be working on using these connections to my advantage when they are most relevant.

CLASS

We were given time in class today to do a journal entry. It's based off a question that she asks in the reading. Basically, what do each of these 6 patterns offer me personally? I'll go ahead and start with breath.
Breath has really helped me come into myself, and see what I have to offer the world. When I have a hard time breathing, I notice those are the times I feel the most disconnected from myself. Breath brings me home, and allows me to make my life simpler. It clarifies my thoughts so I can see what in my life is really helpful and necessary so I can get rid of whatever is pulling me down.
Next is Core-Distal. This fundamental has really helped open my eyes to differentiate between what is a part of me, and what is outside of me. It's starting to become a bit clearer to me the importance of knowing that difference. I think in my past, I've tried too hard to make everything "me", and that's why my Core-Distal connection has always been lacking. Now I see that I can make a connection between my inner self and my outer environment. By doing so, I will come to know better who I am as an individual.
Head-Tail has been teaching me that all relationships are constantly changing, ebbing and flowing. A healthy relationship allows for each end to have their say. If one end is mainly dominant, it stifles the entire relationship and all the possibilities that could happen. I've also learned that there is quite a large element of trust involved. If one end isn't quite sure of what is happening, it may tense up, again closing off several opportunities. I know that's what happens to me in my movement. My head wants to be sure of what's happening at all times, so it goes rigid in an effort to "keep watch", which closes off so many movement possibilities. I've been working on trusting myself, and when I do, it just feels better!
Upper-Lower is kind of a tricky one for me. I've always been one with a desire to reach out for what I want, but without any real drive. So I can definitely see this disconnect in my psychological life, and it is also very apparent in my physical movement. In dance, I've been told, and I can feel that I don't have a very good sense of my Lower. I also have some rigidity in my Upper half, which may explain, to some extent, why I have such troubles with my breathing. Since becoming more aware of this, I've been really trying to work on releasing and trusting.
Body-Half has been very important to me in that it has shown me that it is okay, and important even, to have different sides to me. It used to concern me that I acted different around different people. Now I understand that it is actually important in order to have the appropriate demeanor in different situations. It is through learning about Body-Half that I discovered why I'm such a fence sitter in so many situations. I haven't really allowed myself to gain any strength or clarity in this pattern.
The last one, Cross-Lateral, has provided me with some eye-opening moments. I have come to realize that i haven't really allowed my movement to pass through my center because I haven't really been okay with what is at my center, emotionally. While I'm sure it is going to be a constant journey, I am coming to a greater understanding of how to go about this emotional process.