Coming Into Movement

Dance….somatics….dance therapy. It is what I’m supposed to be doing! This class was a strong reminder of that. Even though it's not what I'm doing at this very moment, I know I am working and getting closer to it. And my efforts will not be in vain.

I've written down some things that I discovered through this class tonight. They may not be very cohesive or clear statements, but I just wanted to get them down before I forgot. 

Breath and movement coincide. It’s not supposed to be like multitasking. They should be a single task that directly influence each other. Doing the movement across the floor incorporating voice really helped me see that more clearly. My movement should be happening because of my breath. Not in spite of (or in spite of the lack thereof). And not just in my dance movement, but in my everyday pedestrian movement as well.

It’s good to make noise. I think I've always been scared to make too much of a spectacle of myself, so I tend to keep a lot in. Including noise. So often, I feel a desire to just make some noise; whether it be talking, singing, yelling, or just making a weird noise! Even during this exercise I know I was holding back. There was so much more noise I wanted to make…so many sounds I wanted to explore. But I was nervous to do so for some reason. I knew it was a safe space. And yet I held myself back. I think maybe I’m scared to make noise because I’m afraid that people will not listen when I want them to, or listen when I don’t want them to. I do have things I want to share with people, but I am terrified of them being taken lightly when they are so important to me. And I also have things that I just want to keep to myself. However, just because I want to keep them to myself doesn't mean that I don’t want to express them. In keeping so much inside myself, I forget how to breathe, and I hold unnecessary tension.

Whenever I do improv, I tend to move very quickly. And in doing so, I forget about breath (once again). After today’s class I think I've discovered at least one reason why I do that. I’m afraid of running out of time. I mean, I do love doing quick movement, that much is certain. However, I do also love to indulge. Indulging movement has always been more difficult for me, but I do still enjoy it. When doing improv, though, I've found that I’m afraid of running out of time before I've had the chance to say all I want to say. And yet, whenever I go to that slightly panicked place, my movement isn't near as honest. My improv tonight came from such purer place than I’m used to. It felt much more calm and real than usual. And it was much slower than my “usual” movement. It felt so much more honest than my movement normally does. And while typically I feel like I have to hurry so that I can fit everything into the allotted time, I was not concerned with time at all. Time wasn't an issue. I wasn't aware of time. I knew that I would have enough time, whatever it would be. There will always be enough time, one way or another. I have time to do the things I want to do. If I try to hurry and fit everything in to my time frame, I’m going to miss out on some very important experiences.

After I did my improv, they gave me feedback. It was really interesting! The teacher told me that she didn't want me to stop, because it was so "yummy" and "chewy". I don't think I've ever had my movement described like that before! It was kind of exciting to me. The fact that I got some different feedback than I'm used to was just another testament that my movement was authentic. I was also told (I think by all three of them) that my movement was very heavy, but not in a hopeless way. It was more exploratory. And Jane mentioned that she could sort of see an outside substance of sorts that was almost enveloping me, and I was trying to move through it. We talked about this more on the drive home, which brought about some interesting insights. I have found that I'm always waiting for circumstances to be perfect. "I'll be able to do this when this happens." Or, "I'll be happy when I have this." However, while doing this improv I felt a more tangible testimony that I have the ability to mold and be molded. I need to accept and remember that I am affected by my environment and circumstances, as much as I've tried to deny that. I know that I have the capacity to grow and thrive wherever I am. "Bloom where you're planted". 

By coming into myself during these exercises, I feel like it opened me up to better connect with those around me. I wasn't so selfishly involved that I was blind to those around me, but I had found an avenue through which I can gain better access to both myself and others. I’m so excited about the things I've discovered today, and I can’t wait to follow up and continue with these realizations.