Day Nineteen: Motif Writing

CLASS

We did a quick review today of BESS (Body, Effort, Shape, Space). It felt pretty nice that I feel quite confident in all of those areas. I think having a solid bank of knowledge to pull from makes a pretty good difference in the rate of change and growth.

Then we moved on to motif writing. I think motif writing is super interesting, but it's not something I've felt any kind of connection with, or even much enjoyment. I can see how it may help from a choreographer's standpoint, but for me it almost seems like too much work. I almost feel stuck in whatever symbol is in front of me. I still need to get in a more creative standpoint.

Day Eighteen: Space

CLASS

We covered the topic of Space today, which I really enjoy as well! Kinesphere is something that just makes sense to me, so hearing and learning about them helps me better visualize my approach to my movement in the space. I've always known that I have a hard time filling the space that I'm in, and so now knowing that it's my kinesphere that I'm not filling, I can start to focus on something almost more tangible.

I also loved talking about spatial intent. That knowledge of where the body is going next in the space can make such an impact on the movement. That knowledge gives the body the information it needs to be able to organize itself accordingly in order to get you where you need to go.

Day Seventeen: Effort

CLASS

Today we learned about Effort. The Effort grid is sort of split up into two halves. Top left is considered indulgent, and the bottom right is considered fighting. It's kind of interesting...when I took this class last time, I remember being almost 100% on the fighting side (at least that's how I felt). And now, while I do still enjoy those fighting qualities, I see myself indulging more than I used to. Or at least attempting to. It's just kind of nice to feel some sort of validation that I've had some growth in the past year.

Day Sixteen: Shape Qualities

CLASS

Now we're really starting to get into Laban stuff, which I think is really kind of fun. So today we worked on Shape. So there are the still forms, the modes of shape change, and shape qualities. What i love about shape qualities is that it's about the approach to learning by applying qualities, instead of just trying to copy still forms. It allows the movement to have more depth.

We talked about how we should pay attention to what our bodies do in different types of situations. Perhaps if I pay attention, I could see some patterns form.

We also talked about how, as a teacher, it is fine to teach "yourself" to your students, but you should also be able to give them what they're missing (since you may also be missing it). It is this kind of situation in which knowing these shape qualities will be super useful.

Day Fifteen: Intro to Laban

CLASS

There's something Hannah said in class that I thought was interesting, that I had never really thought about before. She just mentioned how interesting it is how most of the pioneers of modern dance have a little bit of crazy in them, and how it's actually necessary. They go in so deep in movement and in the body in order to bring us just that much closer to a better understanding. I know I'm grateful for them.

We discussed how great it is that Laban didn't force his ideas on his students, but instead gave them the necessary tools so they could explore and discover what is meaningful to them.

Day Twelve: Integration

READING

Again, a lot of gems were found in this reading. One of my favorites was when it talked about how I am always moving through life. Whether through dance, or just in daily tasks, "I am moving through life--moving as life." This is significant because as I have learned all the Patters of Total Body Connectivity, I need to be able to apply them in all situations, not just in dance.

Another part I loved is when she says, "it is the effective functioning of changing relationships according to context that takes us to the integral stage with our moving." Basically, at this point, I need to be working on using these connections to my advantage when they are most relevant.

CLASS

We were given time in class today to do a journal entry. It's based off a question that she asks in the reading. Basically, what do each of these 6 patterns offer me personally? I'll go ahead and start with breath.
Breath has really helped me come into myself, and see what I have to offer the world. When I have a hard time breathing, I notice those are the times I feel the most disconnected from myself. Breath brings me home, and allows me to make my life simpler. It clarifies my thoughts so I can see what in my life is really helpful and necessary so I can get rid of whatever is pulling me down.
Next is Core-Distal. This fundamental has really helped open my eyes to differentiate between what is a part of me, and what is outside of me. It's starting to become a bit clearer to me the importance of knowing that difference. I think in my past, I've tried too hard to make everything "me", and that's why my Core-Distal connection has always been lacking. Now I see that I can make a connection between my inner self and my outer environment. By doing so, I will come to know better who I am as an individual.
Head-Tail has been teaching me that all relationships are constantly changing, ebbing and flowing. A healthy relationship allows for each end to have their say. If one end is mainly dominant, it stifles the entire relationship and all the possibilities that could happen. I've also learned that there is quite a large element of trust involved. If one end isn't quite sure of what is happening, it may tense up, again closing off several opportunities. I know that's what happens to me in my movement. My head wants to be sure of what's happening at all times, so it goes rigid in an effort to "keep watch", which closes off so many movement possibilities. I've been working on trusting myself, and when I do, it just feels better!
Upper-Lower is kind of a tricky one for me. I've always been one with a desire to reach out for what I want, but without any real drive. So I can definitely see this disconnect in my psychological life, and it is also very apparent in my physical movement. In dance, I've been told, and I can feel that I don't have a very good sense of my Lower. I also have some rigidity in my Upper half, which may explain, to some extent, why I have such troubles with my breathing. Since becoming more aware of this, I've been really trying to work on releasing and trusting.
Body-Half has been very important to me in that it has shown me that it is okay, and important even, to have different sides to me. It used to concern me that I acted different around different people. Now I understand that it is actually important in order to have the appropriate demeanor in different situations. It is through learning about Body-Half that I discovered why I'm such a fence sitter in so many situations. I haven't really allowed myself to gain any strength or clarity in this pattern.
The last one, Cross-Lateral, has provided me with some eye-opening moments. I have come to realize that i haven't really allowed my movement to pass through my center because I haven't really been okay with what is at my center, emotionally. While I'm sure it is going to be a constant journey, I am coming to a greater understanding of how to go about this emotional process.

Day Eleven: Cross-Lateral

CLASS

Today we continued talking about Cross-Lateral connectivity, so there were no readings to do for class. We furthered our discussion on the fact that this connection does indeed allow for complex movements (such as the "not-so-simple" walk), which occur in all 3 planes of motion. It is also through Cross-Lateral connectivity that we gain the ability to change and mold. And again we discussed how we actually become co-creators of the world, instead of simply existing in the world.

Then we delved deeper into spirals and diagonals. We went through the diagonal scale, which can be written using Labanotation. It's kind of crazy how hard diagonals really are, when you do them correctly. I got warmed up straight to the core just by doing the diagonal scale!

Day Ten: Cross-Lateral

READING

I highlighted a lot of things in this section of reading, but again, I'll just talk about a couple of things I found particularly interesting. First, it talks about how if someone goes for walks for health, they may "actually be practicing all sorts of disconnections and body substitutions that are potentially injurious." It just goes to show that ignorance can cause damage, and without efficient movement, the body has to compensate somehow.

I also thought it was cool when it started talking about Cross-Lateral on a Body level, and how muscles actually work best in diagonals because of how they're set up. The body is actually built for us to move through diagonals. So why do we make ourselves move so inefficiently?

CLASS

Cross-Lateral is all about complexity-if we can implement it in our body, we will b far better equipped to relate within the world. It actually allows for a more personal, invested approach.

Through Cross-Lateral, we gain full access to all 3 dimensions. It allows us to become co-creators in the world, and helps us deal with complexities. This is perfect considering how complex this world actually is. So often we spend time in either the sagittal or frontal planes, that we forget how many possibilities are actually available for us. Cross-Lateral connectivity is unique to us as humans, which explains why we have the ability to problem solve.

Day Nine: Body-Half

READING


Right at the very beginning, there was a section that mentioned that "the skill of perceiving and really experiencing opposites comes to its zenith in this body stage. And without this stage, it is hard for an individual to know where s/he 'stands' on an issue." This clarified for me why I've always been sort of a fence-sitter. My Body-Half connection has never been strong, so I've just been lacking physically and psychologically.

I also loved when it talks about how if I fail to "discover and claim both sides I cannot come to an integration of who I am as a full human being, and I cannot tap my full resources as a dynamic mover, because my palette of 'color' and qualities of movement will be limited." Like most people, I've always struggled to figure out who "I" am, not really understanding there was more than one "side" to me. Since I've come to understand this, I have become so much more comfortable in my own skin.

CLASS

We talked about how Body-Half is about organization, sidedness, clarity, and polarities. Kind of a lot of things, but so good! This is a connection that is pretty important psychologically. One of my favorite things about Body-Half is the fundamental of stability-mobility. Even though I've already learned about this, it seems to make a bit more sense to me this time around. I still have some growing to do before I can say that I've embodied it, but I'm getting closer!

The image that has been helping me the most is thinking of those props they have in front of stores sometimes...the guys that have air blowing up them. Because I tend to lock up my hip when trying to stabilize, the image of air blowing through helps a ton.

I also liked the tid-bit of information about how we sleep in Body-Half in order to allow our brains to organize the events that happened throughout the day. I didn't actually realize how much I do sleep in Body-Half until we talked about it.

Day Eight: Lower

READING

Every time I read a chapter, I think that one is my favorite. They all have opened my eyes so much! This one was no exception. I loved how it talked about how "the role of the Upper Body is one of connection." It makes sense that we hug others with our upper bodies. I look at how people hug, and I realize it makes sense according to their personality how they hug. I can gain so much insight from a person now simply based off their style of hugging! And also why I'm drawn to people who are such warm, full huggers.

Probably the biggest thing that stuck out to me in this section was when it said "any blockage of movement in the Upper Body will mean that these organs are probably not getting their fullest support for activating their function." I immediately thought of how I have really had some issues with my breathing for the past while. Watching videos of my movement has shown me that I definitely hold tension in my abdomen/thoracic area. Obviously I am restricting my own lungs from working fully! I'm thinking it's a combination of several different influences, both internal and external. Now it's a matter of allowing that tension to be released.

CLASS

One of the first things mentioned in class today, I think it was by Daniel, was about something in the reading. It was about how if your elbow is locked, you can't give or receive any kind of connection or information. For example, when you're doing swing dance, that's why they tell you to have a loose but firm arm. That way, you'll know where your partner is trying to lead you. We also talked about gradated rotation, which gives the image of allowing a joint to open through rotation little bit by little bit to create more space, instead of putting the joint on lockdown. If I could apply this to my hips, I know I could get such a greater range of motion! I need to start thinking more about it.

Day Seven: Upper

READING

Wow. This was a lage chunk of reading! At least it was only half of the chapter this time. There were lots of things I highlighted! I'll just talk about a couple. Firstly, right at the beginning of the chapter, it talks about how each part of the body fulfills a certain need or specific funtion. For instance, "A spine is important, but without legs and arms, it is hard to travel through space or reach out and realize our intentions in action." It's important to work on each individual part so they can all begin to contribute to the whole in the most efficient way possible.

Another section I found quite profound was the one about ineffective patterning. It says, "Many people in our Western culture reach for goals but do not support their reach with the push which will get them there...on the other hand, some people learn to push but never to really reach out into space." It's all just sort of a half-hearted effort. We have enough desire to accomplish things to go halfway, but are still too lazy/uneducated/scared to follow through completely.

CLASS

One of the most helpful things for myself that we talked about today was how to use your psoas. Someone asked that question, and Sister Hoopes said you don't generally feel anything when you're actually using the psoas. It's more of a matter of not feeling the rest of your muscles being used. That made much more sense to me than trying to "feel" my deep psoas. I'm really hoping for this to cross over in my technique class.

I also loved when we talked about how our body is built to support itself. I don't need to be holding any extra tension to try to keep myself up! My body itself is plenty sufficient.

Day Five: Head-Tail

READING

The first thing that caught my eye in this reading was when it said, "because most people are not actively identified with themselves as 'Body', there is sometimes a certain awe around people who are fully using their bodies, such as dancers and athletes." I had never really thought about it that way before, but it's so true! Even as a dancer myself, when I see an amazing dancer I find myself amazed at how well they can utilize their entire body. And when people see me perform, their comments always mention something about how "they could never move that way." It's just interesting to me that they see the body as something to be tamed and conquered, instead of as their own self, which they should simply work to be united with.

Later on in the chapter is states, "Because the spine is in some sense the bony structural element physically at the individual's core and, hence, core to the nature of the individual, the changes may be thrilling or scary--probably both." I personally think this can apply to changes made throughout the entire body, as I think it all ends up resonating in the spine. I felt it mostly in Core-Distal--changes in the body reflect changes in the being. That's kind of a big deal.

CLASS

Some really cool things we discussed in class today. We mentioned how "my body is me". It's not a separate entity from ourselves. It's evident even just in the way we phrase certain things. For example: "my body/leg/arm is so sore!", instead of saying "I am so sore!". It's almost as if we don't want to take ownership or responsibility for our bodies.

We also talked about "one of the most important things to know as a student of movement." That would be that the head and the tail are in an ever-changing relationship, constantly. Especially in modern dance, people assume that head-tail means a "c-curve". This couldn't be further from the truth! There is so much more movement that can come from this relationship! After all, one of the major concepts behind this Fundamental is "new possibilities". We should be exploring these possibilities! Not limiting ourselves to a still shape!

Day Four: Core-Distal (continued...)

READING


We didn't actually have a reading assigned for today, since we're still on Core-Distal, but I did go back through really quickly as a refresher. There was one thing that I didn't mention last time that I really liked. It does kind of connect with what we were talking about in class last time, though. Anyway, in the book it says, "It is more like a star, pulsating and emitting energy from the center to move the distal ends, or bringing energy and sensory awareness from the ends of the extremities back into the center." That visual really worked for me. I know that I personally love to go out and come back in, but I have always had a hard time with going out in a way that I have new information and sustenance to bring back into myself.

CLASS


At the beginning of the discussion today, Sister Hoopes asked us how we have used Core-Distal since we talked about it last time. For most people, it was more of just an awareness that it's a connection that does exist. That is true for me, but I have also been trying to imagine the colorful highway that I experienced during the movement explorations during last class. By doing that, I was able to think more about bringing information from the outside in. I am still having a hard time with it, but it's a work in progress!

What mostly helped me today was when we talked more about exploring this connection. It was brought up that it's okay to feel like you don't know where you are when starting to open new pathways and removing tension. I think that's part of my problem. I always want to feel secure in whatever I'm doing, so I assume I'm doing something wrong if I feel a little bit lost. But, in order to explore uncharted territory, it's kind of necessary to go out on a limb. In the dark. It's at that point that some light can be shed on our growth.

Day Three: Core-Distal

READING - Ch. 7


I absolutely adore Core-Distal. At the beginning of this chapter, she says "I have to feel connected within myself and able to claim my own movement sphere (kinesphere) before I feel comfortable moving in the world." It's such a strong truth that it seems everyone is searching for. You always see people striving for the approval of others, and trying to find their place in the world or society. Less often do you see them look within themselves in order to find what their purpose is. In our naive minds, it does seem backwards. I have to go deep within myself in order to go outside of myself? However, it is such a vital step in the process of development. 


Later on in the reading, it mentions how we did start with Breath, and that we continue to move forward from there. While "the Breath pattern supports everything we now do", we're moving forward to find our own center. As she says it, "we begin to establish our own kinesphere and discover its center." For me, this means that I can begin figuring out how to dance in my own body, instead of just copying someone else, and trying to dance in their body. It is so important, both physically and mentally, to be comfortable within my own self. It is the basis for any type of growth.


CLASS


Something Janae said at the beginning of class really stuck out to me. She said "The further you go in, and the deeper you go, the further you can go out." It makes so much sense that you get as much out of something as you put into it. If you're not fully invested in something, you're not going to gain as much satisfaction from it as you could. You can't get something for nothing...growth is not supposed to be easy. It's all about that lively interplay--both in movement and in every day life. 


Core-Distal isn't just about going from in to out. Once we're out, we need to be receptive to what's out there. What information can we bring back into ourselves? What is useful and can help us? What is unnecessary that we need to let go of? This is where that breath support is still so important. If we don't allow that breath to expel what we don't need, we're crammed full of information that's just overloading our system. It's good to be able to retain information, but we only want to keep it if it's going to help us in one way or another.

Day Two: Breath

READING - Ch. 6


The first thing that caught my eye in this reading was an imagery on breath: "Life-giving fluid enters the system, rich in nourishment, swirling, laden with life energy..." I thought it was interesting that she made it sound as if breathing included, not gas, but a liquid. That makes more sense to me, as fluid seems more real and full. It feels more like it passes through the whole body, instead of being contained to only the lungs. I love that breath is such a personal connection. It's almost selfish, one could say, but in such a necessary way. We use breath to "pour out what is not needed, ready to release the waste, to open a space to make room to expand for new food." It's such a stimulating principle.


Every once in a while when someone asks me what classes I'm taking this semester, it will lead to the question: "What is Somatics?" I do my best to explain the complex concepts, and I always mention the 6 Connections. I've had a few people say something along the lines of, "Why would you study breath? That's something you already do automatically." It's at times like these that I think of when in the book it mentions: "We breathe automatically, but breath can be influenced by and is reflective of changes in consciousness, feelings, and thoughts." It's so important to be aware of our breath and how it is affecting us. For me personally, I've been having a really hard time breathing for the past year and a half. I've been in to see doctors about it a number of times, and they still haven't been able to figure it out. After my last appointment, I read this chapter on Breath, and I decided that there may be a chance that it has nothing to do with my physical health, but perhaps my emotional health. Since then, I've been paying more attention to this struggle, and it seems to be more evident during moments of stress or anxiety.

At one point in the reading, it was talking about how you can use breath "When you want to connect and communicate with another person", and she said "The connective power of breath is so strong that even when consciously attended to, the connection feels magical! Its mystery remains." I think that it is so cool that while breath is indeed an automatic function of our body, the connections that we find through breath will remain incredible throughout our entire existence. We may get used to the connections we make, but we will never get over them. There is always something to be discovered through breath.

CLASS


First we did a couple of exercises concerning breath. We laid on our backs, and just noticed our breathing, without changing anything. I noticed that I tend to breath mainly in my chest. Then we sat up and did more breathing, and I felt that I held some tension in my hips...I don't know if that's just because I was sitting with nothing to support my back, or if that's simply a residual place of tension, but it was definitely there.

Something I thought was interesting that we talked about in class is how empathy can be better understood through breath and touch. There is something about that physical human connection that allows us to feel what is happening within another person, and to share those emotions with them. That's why hugging someone can be so comforting.

We also talked about how when a priesthood leader (or leaders) is about to give a blessing by the laying on of hands, they always pause for a moment before beginning. They do this to tune in to the Spirit, which they do by tuning in to their breath. If you pay attention, you can notice that their breathing does change.

Something someone had pointed out from the book was when it said, "It is sufficient to BE, simple and whole, connected within, in unity with the universe." We talked about how it's unnecessary to have to try to fit in to whatever situation you find yourself. It's way more work than it was ever intended to be. If we can just stay attuned to our breath, we will be with ourselves, and we will remain connected with the universe. Breath is just incredible!

Introduction

READING - Ch. 2-5

This was a pretty huge chunk to read in a very short amount of time, but I really loved it! Even though I've read it before, I found many re-discoveries, and even brand new discoveries! I loved in chapter two, how it goes through the cycle of discovery that a baby goes through. It mentioned that when a baby starts crawling, "grabbing interesting things becomes a way of being in the world". It just goes to show, to me, that this world is meant to be interactive. We're not supposed to be so sucked into what has our immediate attention that we miss opportunities for growth outside of ourselves.

Something else that I loved was when she mentions that "Even without our awareness, the Fundamental Patterns of Total Body Connectivity are with us." As we study these patterns, it's really not like we're learning something brand new. Even though it may seem new in our minds, our bodies know these patterns. It's simply bringing it back to their remembrance.

I absolutely loved the steps in the change process that she listed on pages 24-26. They are all so true to how we work as imperfect human beings, and I can see how someone would gain a larger amount of growth by staying true to these steps. The two steps that stuck out to me the most were to: accept what you are doing, and how it serves you; and know that change is a process. I think these are steps that we tend to overlook or ignore. We don't want to accept what we are doing, because we're trying to change. However, there are things that must be acknowledged if you want them to be changed. There also may be some things that we are doing well and right, and we should use them to our advantage, and acknowledge that! It's also super important to remember that change is indeed a process. We're not going to become perfect all at once.

CLASS

We talked about how babies who miss certain steps of their process, like skipping crawling and going straight to walking, may have missed an important developmental process. I just thought that was really interesting....and I'm sure I'll be one of those moms who makes sure my baby does everything in the right order, haha.

We also talked about how change is fundamental. In the book, it says "the process of living is a process of learning to live with change". Because, really...when is there ever a time in our lives when something isn't changing? Learning to live with, and grow from, change is essential.

I really love the questions that we are asked to ask ourselves: what is weak, what is rigid, and what is wanting to change? We talked about how, as we watch ourselves, we must address these questions in a way that contributes to the whole, and not from a judgmental lens. We're not trying to see what is good or bad, but just trying to make sense of the way that we move. From there, we can begin to make changes.

New Semester

It's the start of a new semester....my last one at BYU-Idaho!! And guess what? I'm taking Somatics again! It'll be the third time through for me....that's how much I love it! We're also required to keep a journal again this semester....so I'll be updating this blog once again!

It'll be different this semester...we'll be focusing more on Bartenieff (definition can be found here) for the first half of the semester, and Laban principles (short definition can be found here, more descriptive definition here) for the second half!

I'm super excited....I really love both of these aspects of Somatics, and I'm looking forward to delving deeper!

Working on Juries

Today we mostly just worked on the pieces that we're going to be doing for juries, but I just wanted to mention how free I felt today! It's kind of funny, because I wasn't trying at all. I really was just doing the warm up to prepare my mind and body so we could get cracking on the juries, and somehow that allowed my body to shed some tension. It just goes to show how much end gaining can take away from a person.

Devotional

First thing we did in Somatics today was watch the devotional by President Callister that he gave while we were at ACDF. It was basically about the body, and what it can do for us, and what we can gain from it. It was a really good talk....if you have a few spare minutes, I highly recommend that you either watch it or read it. I know I'm going to go back through and reread it.

Since today is Thursday, I (of course) had my one on one. The first thing Sister Wadsworth said to me was asking if I'm frustrated that I still can't breathe. Wow...she sure nailed that one on the head. So we talked about how maybe I need to try just allowing for the room to breathe, and see if that will help. We both know that it is possible for me to access good breathing, especially while doing mat work...but it's just being able to hold onto that feeling that is the main struggle for me. It was really validating to talk to her about this, because apparently this is basically what she has gone through as well, and it pretty much sounds like she knows exactly what I'm going through. I'm so glad that I'm not just being a pansy, and also that there is a way out. I can keep pushing forward!

As we were doing the mat work, something that became even more clear to me is the principle of only using what I need. It doesn't mean to release every muscle possible....it's not being lazy. It's just being efficient. It means there are definitely still muscles that I need to be in control of...just not all of them. That's the key. Finding what to be in control of, and what I can allow to just be free.

Then we worked on doing some plies and releves. As I was doing them, Sister Wadsworth started talking to me about how I have grown this semester. She told me that I have accessed length! This made me really happy...this is something that I've always longed for, and never really known how to acheive. I'm m so grateful that I have found a pathway that I can continue on. She also told me that I have gained more freedom in my joints, especially the hip. This I could agree with a little bit more...I can feel a bit of freedom. It's especially evident in the fact that my hips haven't been as achy this semester as they have been in the past.

Something else she told me that I thought was interesting was that it's okay for me to try gaining more stability in my knees when I'm in releve, since I don't have hyperextended knees. I think I've always had it hammered in my to NOT lock my knees, so I've done everything I could to keep a "breath" behind my knees...but my knees don't even go all the way straight, simply because of bone structure. And that might be one reason why I don't feel very stable when I'm in a releve, or when I'm doing some sort of turn. This was just another similarity that I share with Sister Wadsworth, and I'm so grateful for her insights! Even just doing the releves with more stability in the knees (not locking...just stabilizing) helped quite a bit. I think I've been counting on my ankles to hold me up for so long for fear of destroying my knees, that I've actually worn out my ankles. Especially since they're weak from previous sprains.

So basically, this was a very eye-opening session. Quite possibly the best session that I've had this semester!

Back on track?

It's our first day back from ACDF....so we first had to assess how our bodies are feeling. Of course, we did this through improv. I wasn't really super sore, just mostly tired. But then again, since when have I not been tired? I honestly can't remember the last time I haven't felt tired. On the plus side, that just means I'm really used to handling being tired....right?

So we sort of just went through class....we did the warm up, the new chasse sequence we learned the week before ACDF, the across the floor battements and triplets sequences, and leg swings. Even though it was just a regular class, I really enjoyed coming back from ACDF and being in this class! After a week of refreshing new ideas and perspectives, it's fun to come back and apply those new thoughts to my movement here. It's interesting, too....remember that one day that I was really affected by where my focus is? Well, I felt like that was really emphasized at ACDF, too. It's really cool to see that carry over, and it just shows me how important it really is...even though I've honestly never really thought about it before. It's like...when we go to ACDF, we get nervous that we're going to be behind everyone else. But once we got there, we were right on par with pretty much everyone there. And seeing similarities in what some of the teachers there said compared to what my teachers here tell me was a great validation to our dance program here.

After we had gone through class, we spend the last twenty-ish minutes stretching each others feet out (which felt incredible!!), and just talking about ACDF. It's so fun hearing every one else's thoughts.

American College Dance Festival 2012

There were soo many incredible experiences that I had at ACDF this year! I learned something new in just about every class. And if I didn't learn something new, I at least had a real good time.

I took all sorts of classes...modern, hip hop, congo, improv, contact improv, musical theatre, and I auditioned for ADF....so many great teachers, so many great classes. Sounds cheesy, I know...but it's still true.

I actually just want to talk specifically about one class, though. It was the last class of the week, called relaxed improvisation. I thought it sounded like a nice way to end the week. I almost switched to a modern class instead, since I had already taken 2 improv classes. But, last minute, I decided to stick with it, and I am so grateful that I did.

When we started, it was really just to kind of get into our bodies, and release any tension we may have acquired throughout the week, plus our regular tension. The part I really want to talk about, though, is when we did a three-some improv. The way it worked was one person would close their eyes, and the other two would keep their hands in contact with the blind person, and lead them around the room. It started off with just walking in one direction. Then it grew to where they could walk them forwards, backwards, sideways, or diagonal, or they could just take a still moment. At this point, they could also change their points of contact. Then, after awhile, they would lead the blind person into movement. The blind person just allowed themselves to be manipulated and just move according to how they were being led. After doing this for a while, the teacher encouraged the leaders to switch blind people. Then after awhile, the groups would switch blind people and do the same thing again.

It was amazing.

I have never felt the way I did during this improv. I didn't like being the leader as much, but being the blind person was a very emotional and spiritual experience. Usually when I'm asked to do improv, or anything, with my eyes closed, all I see is black. Or, even with my eyes open, when I've been asked to describe what colors I see when I improv, all I can honestly say is that I just see black within myself. I never really thought about this until this experience. As soon as they started walking me around the room, I felt myself leave the room, and they came with me. And then the most incredible thing happened....I saw myself completely differently. I was more translucent and white, with some colors dispersed throughout my silhouette....blues, purples, and greens.

The closest thing I can compare it to would be a jellyfish....although that still doesn't even do it justice. I was surrounded by similar colors and shapes. I can honestly say it was the most fulfilling connection I have ever felt. Then, when they started moving me around, and when the leaders started changing who they were leading, there was one point where I could swear I felt At least 5 or 6 people moving me around. Though apparently, after asking about it later, the most that was ever with me was maybe 4 people.

When my turn came to an end, I really had a hard time forcing my eyes open again. I will never forget how this class made me feel. It really was amazing.

Balloons!

Today was SUCH a FUN day!!! When we first showed up to class, Sister Wadsworth had us each blow up a balloon, and we just did our own improv with it! It started off with slower, sort of melty movement, which just felt nice. Then we started to get more interactive with each other. For example, Camille stole my balloon!! So I chased her around the room until I got it back from her. Then things started to get out of control....in the best way possible. People kept stealing other people's balloons, and so I mostly just tried to stay out of the way. I succeeded for the most part. Then Bianca started to go nuts with stealing everyone else's balloons....she had so many!! Then as they tried to steal them back, someone's popped...maybe even a couple. There was a pretty good sized group that ended up just sitting in a circle, holding tight to their balloons...but that didn't last for long. Sister Wadsworth came around and started popping their balloons! It was so funny! And then Kelsey and Daniel were just walking around the room, arm in arm, with their balloons under their shirts. So entertaining.

This class was just pure FUN!!! I don't think I've had a class this fun....since ACDF last year! Oh boy, it just felt nice to use our movement to just move for the fun of it! It's a good reminder that movement can be used just for fun, and doesn't always have to be deep and meaningful. It's so fantastic...movement is so versatile!

Breathe

Today we talked about the reading from the Alexander book about the arms. We talked about focusing on the arms, particularly the sternoclavicular notch. There is so much movement that comes from that joint...I remember learning about that in Kinesiology, and being so amazed at how much movement actually does come from there. It's quite incredible! I just need to remember to think of that joint as part of the arm. Then we talked about trying to just use your hands to allow movement to happen. I was listening to all of this very closely, since I've been constantly struggling with my arms and hands. I'm still not sure how to go about making them less awkward, but I'm hoping that maybe this will set me on a road that will help me in the future. I'm trying to remain optimistic.

Then we continued the discussion, talking about connection vs. disconnection between the body, mind, and spirit. I don't remember who said what, but someone said something that made me realize...maybe my inability to breathe properly has created a disconnection between my body, mind, and spirit. It comes and it goes, but often I do find that I feel like I'm disconnected this way. I feel like I can move, I can think, and I do experience emotions, but I haven't felt super connected for awhile. I don't want to be super dramatic about it, but I really do feel disconnected from myself. I didn't really pay a whole lot of attention to the rest of the discussion, just because I was thinking through this new realization.

Then I had my one on one, and did the Dart sequencing with Sister Wadsworth. We talked again about how I can't breathe in my back, and she told me to not worry about it until I get it checked out and can start to figure out what's going on. I called the Health Center yesterday, and have my appointment tomorrow. I hope it's something simple that is easily fixable. I want to find those connections!

Lazy Day...

We were all super exhausted today. I think it's mostly the after-effects of Extravadance that are finally starting to kick in. Sister Wadsworth is so in tune with us though, so she catered the class to what our bodies needed, for which I am super grateful!

We started with a three-song improv, about "growth". We took ourselves through a journey of going from a little baby to being full grown. I think she only meant the improv to last maybe two songs, but we all had a hard time getting off the ground and "growing up", so she extended it one more song for us. Honestly, my mind was pretty fuzzy, and I didn't feel any strong connections or emotions during this improv. I was mostly just moving for the sake of moving, and I wasn't really feeling a strong pull for the intent. I kind of hate feeling like that...it's a waste of movement.

After that, we did the warm up and learned a new sequence involving tondues and chasses. I definitely was not on top of my game...it wasn't the worst I've ever done, but I could tell my body wasn't responding the way it normally does. It will be good to do this sequence again once I get this cloudiness taken care of. We also learned a new across the floor to a very appropriate song for the day...since we all were so sleepy. It was kind of funny :)

Then Sister Wadsworth was very kind and just led us through some stretching for the next twenty minutes of class, and ended class early. I felt kind of bad, but I was also really glad that she wasn't going to force our bodies to do more movement. Hopefully Friday will be much better!

Dart Sequencing

We mostly just did the Dart sequencing again today. I had basically the same experience as I've had previously, in that the spiral part of the sequence is kind of awkward for me. I was really focusing on trying to make it less awkward, and more fluid and easy. We talked through it a little bit, and Sister Wadsworth suggested that I make sure I'm crossing my ankles in a way that makes the spiraling easier. It helped a bit...though not as much as I had hoped for.

Then as Sister Wadsworth was working on her one on ones for the day, I just laid on a mat in semi-supine to do some meditation. It was then that I realized that I was trying too much to make the spiral work. It's crazy how easily I get sucked into end gaining! At least I was able to catch it eventually....next time I'm just going to do the sequence, and allow for the movement to happen. Oh boy this is difficult sometimes....

Bubbles, Balloons, and Peanut Butter

Mondays are always hard. Which is not very fun, considering they happen so often. So I absolutely love it when Sister Wadsworth does her best to cater to what we need to get ourselves up and moving at the start of a new week.

This week, it was an improv that required some creativity. Between her ideas and ours, we came up with some different textures that we had to "dance" through. We started off with honey, then went to peanut butter, water, balloons, and then bubbles. I'm not going to lie...I wanted to stay in the honey and the peanut butter for a lot longer. Thank you Monday. But, once I got going, it was kind of fun to get to the bubbles. They gave me more energy than I started with. It's incredible what can happen when you sort of make yourself do something you didn't think you could do.

Today Sister Wadsworth was really emphasizing where our focus is. We tend to dance with our focus down, because we're so focused that we forget to lift our eyes and hence, our focus. She talked about how if we lift our focus, it will help us connect with the environment, and actually help with our balance. As we went through the rest of the class, I tried focusing solely on my focus, and I think it helped! Especially on the leg swings...where I'm usually pretty unstable and wobbly, I felt like I had more stability and freedom in the movement. It sort of carried over to the rest of my movement as well...I'm really excited about this new realization!

Technique

Todays class was pretty straight-forward in my opinion. We started off by doing the full warm up. I do really like doing the warm up better now than I did at the beginning of the semester. I'm not sure why it took me so long to be able to catch on to it like I should have been, but I'm just glad I'm finally starting to get somewhere with it. I feel like it's starting to give me a chance to warm myself up according to my own personal needs, even though I'm doing someone else's movement.

Then we did our plié sequence. Considering the fact that I don't really like pliés (since I kind of have short achilles, and can't get very deep in my pliés...), I actually like this sequence. It has some more sharp, throwing kind of movement, which makes more sense in my body than a lot of the movement we've been doing this semester. I do tend to like pliés in modern class better than ballet, anyhow.

After the pliés, we did the Paul Cardall sequence in groups. I'm still not super great at this, but I do really like it. While I am kind of known for being best at quick, sort of thrashy movement, it is really kind of nice to have slower, indulgent movement sometimes. I grew up always loving lyrical dance...it was almost always my favorite. So it's kind of nice to go back to the same sort of qualities of movement and see how I've grown, and see how much more I can grow.

I feel like I am always saying this, but it's still true. The more I learn, the more I truly realize I have so far to go, and so much still to learn.

Asthma?

We did the Dart sequence today as a class (this is what I was talking about back about a week ago....the exercise we do with the chair using monkey). It's interesting...for most of this sequence, I really kind of like it. It helps me gain a stronger connection, but then there is a part or two that isn't very comfortable. There's this part where we're on the ground, with our arms and feet sort of wrapped around themselves, and then we spiral out and onto our back and roll over. I don't really like the spiraling. I feel like it's kind of jarring...so I'm working on how to make it more fluid, possibly by better accessing primary control. Here's hoping. I was partners with Jenni today while doing the Dart sequence, and afterward she told me that she can see that I'm not breathing, especially in my back. She said as she was watching, I had some sort of odd tension in my back, and it almost looked like I was holding my breath. But then she could see in my chest area that I was breathing...then we realized that the tension in my back is right where my lungs are. Wow. Talk about making a connection....

Then I had my one on one with Sister Wadsworth. We did some mat work, which, as always, was fantastic. Then, and I can't remember exactly how it came up, but she said almost exactly the same thing that Jenni said! So I decided right then that I was going to make an appointment with the Student Health Center and figure out why I haven't been able to breathe. It was really kind of a relief to get some validation today, thought, that I really can't breathe, and that I'm not just making it up.

Pilates & Improv

We started class of today by doing pilates. I have a love/hate relationship with pilates. I love the feeling afterward--the satisfaction of having worked really hard. But I really kind of hate doing it...it's definitely not something I would do for fun. In fact, there are some things in pilates that really bother my hip. Which means I have to modify. And I really hate having to modify. It makes me feel wimpy. But, I do what I have to do.

I really loved the rest of class, though! The first thing we did after pilates was do an improv to my favorite song to improv to! Again! :) Sister Wadsworth told us to do our improv based on whatever our current emotion was at the time. For me, it started off as just tired, but then grew into sort of a mixture of emotions....tired.....anxious.....scared.....excited......the cool thing about doing improv about my emotions is that sometimes I can't even define what they are, but I can definitely feel them very strongly. Then after that, we did an improv to another song where we were supposed to improv according to the opposite of what our current emotion is. Mine ended up being thrashy and sort of angry. It was kind of hard...especially after how much I loved doing the previous improv. But contrast is always a good way to wake me up in the morning.

Then we did a pretty cool partner improv exercise. We chose a partner, and then we just did partner improv, but one person had their eyes closed. My first partner was Justene. We work pretty well together, since we've done contact improv together quite a bit, so it was pretty easy to read what she was going to do next, and what I could kind of expect. I felt pretty unstable when I had my eyes closed...but I still completely trusted her. I actually felt kind of bad, because I was giving her all of my unstable weight. She did pretty good, though! Then we switched partners, and I went with Bianca. It was a pretty interesting improv...I could tell that she hasn't done very much partner improv, but sometimes that made for some interesting moments. It was fun when I was the one with my eyes closed though...she lifted me up a lot! I loved it! I don't get lifted very often, but I love it when I do!

The next thing we did was something I absolutely love. We did a group improv session. I was with Justene, Kamrie, Daniel, and Bianca. We had so many really cool moments! I really wish I could remember them all....I do remember one in particular, when I was sort of draped across someone's back, and then everyone else grabbed my arms and one of my legs and pulled me up to standing....it doesn't sound as cool as it was. But it was fantastic! It was just really cool...there were times when everyone else would be improv-ing together, and I would break away and sort of just dance around the group.

All in all....pretty fantastic class. Probably my favorite so far this semester :)

Simon Says!

We had our critical self-analysis paper due today! Now, I'm a huge procrastinator....but it was really interesting going through the process of writing this paper. I just hope that it ended up making sense....I'm worried that I just blabbered on, and went off in tangents. I'm debating whether or not to to post my paper on here...so for those of you who actually read my blog, leave me a comment if you'd be interested in reading my paper. Don't worry, I totally won't be offended if you don't :) For me, it was mostly just a good reminder of the things that I've learned so far in this semester.

Today was kind of a fun day! We started off with some good ol' improv, to a song that I always love doing improv to! We used it once last semester in our choreography class, and I just remember that that day was a really free, releasing, incredible improv. Ever since then, it just brings back those incredible feelings again, and it just makes me so, so happy! So it was a good way to start off the class, not to mention the day!

Then we played a game....Simon Says! The goal was to follow the rules of the game, while

applying the principle of Inhibition. Normally while playing this game, it would be instinct to tense up in preparation for whatever "Simon" would say next.

I actually felt really good though...maybe a little too good. I wasn't very good at paying attention to whether or not they said "Simon Says". Technically, I was out quite a few times because I went when I wasn't supposed to. Oops! But, I felt like I wasn't near as tense as I would have normally been. Maybe it has something to do with how the improv affected me...or because of what I discovered while writing my paper...or maybe it's just because I was tired. But either way, I really felt more freedom in what I was doing. Even though I was being told what to do, I was allowing my body to do it in whatever way was most efficient for myself. There were a few times when I would look around me, and see that we were all following the instructions a little differently. I think that just shows that we're all starting to understand a little better how to read our bodies, and learning to have choice in movement.

Artistry

Because it's show week, Sister Wadsworth was talking about how we really should think more about our artistry in all of our movement, even just the warmup. That's actually what the River North Dance Company teacher told us when he was teaching the master class, so I'm glad Sister Wadsworth is bringing that back to our attention.

The improv we had today felt especially nice for a Monday...usually I just feel really tired, and stiff, and just like my body doesn't want to move. But today, it felt really good to just move. Even the warm up felt a lot better today. It might be that I was just allowing my body to move today, instead of trying to force it to move when I would rather be sleeping. I wish I knew how to tap into that all the time.

Then we watched the video of the recording that we did on Friday. I really hate watching myself dance...I always feel like I'm dancing bigger and better than I actually am. It's kind of a rough wake up call every time I watch myself. I'm going to write a little bit more detailed paper on what I saw in the video, though, so I'll post that on here as soon as I get that done.

Back to 440

We got recorded in class today. She let us start off with an improv, which is always very helpful for me, then we got to do the warm up first. She recorded us doing the exercise on 5's, the plies, the leg swings, the triplets, and the Paul Cardall sequence. I feel like my quality remained sort of the same throughout all of them....I felt okay about it, but not as good as I have, or as good as I know I could have done. I really liked doing the triplets...we added on to it, combining it with another across the floor sequence we've done earlier. I think I might have liked it just because of the upbeat music...it's kind of nice to have a change of pace that way. I think that's probably why I also like the plie sequence...it's a little bit sharper, which I tend to do better, and I just really like it. But then again, I'm really kind of liking the Paul Cardall sequence too....ahh, I just like to dance. But, I was just a little frustrated because I could feel myself using more than I needed. I know that I can be more efficient in my movement, and complete the movement, but for some reason I'm stopping myself. I feel like I'm just on the verge of changing that though, which is both exciting and frustrating.

Lots of Monkey Stuff

We really focused on monkey today, which was really good. It felt a lot better today than it has for the past week, or however long ago it was that we first did it. My back didn't feel as strained, and it felt a whole lot easier. My favorite part was when we did this combination with monkey, using the chair and going to the floor. It had a name, some kind of technique...I think it started with a D....but I can't remember. Anyway, it felt really nice and fluid to me. Then we just walked around the room, either picking something up, or pretending to do so. It really is so much easier and efficient to do it by using monkey. The trick is remembering to do it outside of class.

Then my one on one was pretty nice, too. We did some mat work, and we didn't talk as much this time as we did last week, which did help me focus more on what was happening in my body. I guess it's nice to have some of both throughout the sessions. Then we just walked through the space, where I focused more on using only what I needed. I feel like it's really important that I work on making my movement more efficient. Through efficiency, I hope I'll be able to find more freedom in my joints, and more energy through my limbs. It was a nice little ah-ha moment, and I'm hoping I'll be able to keep building from that.

Improvement?

We did an improv first thing today, you know, to get our bodies moving, and sort of feel what our bodies need from us. Honestly, I didn't really feel anything in particular....maybe it was the long weekend. Whatever it was, my body was almost...numb? I don't really know...it did wake up a little bit after we started doing some primary control with a partner though.

After we each went through the whole primary control thing, we did the hand-on-the-head improv again. I was a tiny bit apprehensive, since it didn't do hardly anything for me last time, but I really wanted it to work for me. I was glad that I had Kelsey as a partner, because I know that she absolutely loved it when we did it last time, so I was hoping maybe it would rub off on me, and I could get a better taste for what she enjoyed about it. And, it sort of worked! At least, it felt better than last time. Right at the very beginning, Kelsey just told me that I was holding, and apparently that was all it took to get me to release a lot more. Afterward she said it was just like the flip of a switch. And it did feel quite a bit better than last time...I wasn't as focused on trying to make sure it was easy for her to keep her hand on my head. But, then I was very aware of how close she was to me as I was dancing, which also made it difficult. I tend to get pretty claustrophobic when I'm dancing, and I either freak out a little, or I just dance really small. In this instance, I think I was just dancing really small. I was definitely not moving the same way I would normally during a free improv...but I think it was a step closer in the right direction. Boy, it's difficult.

Improv and Alexander in Tech Class

Today was just a nice day....we started off with quite a few songs of improv, and it was fantastic!! She gave us a couple of slower songs to give us some time to just get into our bodies first. Then she started giving us some different, faster songs. It was sooo much fun!!! Today was a reeeaaally good day improv-wise for me. I think it was sort of the after effects from yesterday, so I took advantage of that. There was one improv in particular that I really loved...it was a faster song, and Sister Wadsworth had told us to try exploring a body part that we wouldn't normally. I almost did my knees, but then I realized I do that every time someone tells me to try something new. So instead, I tried my chin and my elbows. It really changed up my movement, but it was nice. In fact, it somehow made me more aware of my environment, too. I actually kind of felt like I was doing a partner improv with Kelsey a lot of the time....we were really feeding off of each other's energy, and it was really a lot of fun!

Then we got into partners and just did some Alexander Technique. We did some primary control and walking, which I always just love. And then we did some mat work. It was actually really kind of cool being able to do the mat work to someone else. It was interesting to feel the different places someone else holds tension. I feel like it also made me more aware of my tension as I worked on helping them release theirs. Because even though I was the one working on them, it was also important that I continue breathing and releasing tension in my own body. I kind of want to try doing this with my roommates, and see how different it would be with non-dancers. We'll see if they actually let me....

River North Chicago Dance Master Class

I was really pleasantly surprised by this master class. When I found out that they were a jazz based company, I had visions of several high kicks, turns, and leaps. None of which I'm very good at. I was still looking forward to taking a class from a new teacher, just to add a new flavor to my technique that day, but I didn't have high hopes of how well I would do. But then I was sort of caught unawares when he focused a little more on the artistry than just the technique. While we definitely did still work on technique, I felt like I was given the freedom to make it work for my body. To me, it sort of opened up my mind to the fact that I will be able to take what I'm learning now, and apply it wherever I go from here. Whether I go on to just take more classes, or if I get to perform, or if I just end up teaching, I know this is going to be so helpful. I can just feel the difference it's already made in my life and movement, and I'm just excited to see how far it will take me.

Partnering and One On One

Today was kind of a monumental day for me. I can't even necessarily put my finger on the reason why. We started off by doing some primary control, as usual, and of course that always feels really nice to me. I did notice, though, how it differs a little each time depending on who I'm partnering with. Sometimes I feel like they don't use enough pressure, sometimes it's too much, and sometimes it's just right. I should really start paying attention to who I like to partner with the most, haha. Okay, or just so I can be aware of the changes and differences, and how it affects me. Today I was paired with Kamrie, and I think she used a good light touch, but her fingers didn't quite seem to be where I wanted them to be...but not a big deal.

After doing the primary control, we did this new thing. Kamrie put her hand on the top of my head, and then I just did some improv. It's supposed to help me be more aware of my head and the top of my spine...but I didn't really love it. I think I was too focused on trying to make sure she could keep up with me. I was being too careful, and it was causing me to tense up. I think I tend to be the kind of person that likes to do things herself...so this may be a reason why I felt like I was responsible for making sure she was able to keep her hand on my head.

But, I really really enjoyed the reverse....her doing improv while I had my hand on her head. I feel like I was breathing a lot more, and I was sort of feeling her energy come up through my arm, so I felt like I was dancing with her. I can't even really explain it, but it just felt nice to sort of be the active observer.

Then I had my one on one. We did table/mat work today, which I'm always really happy with. We did a lot more talking today than usual, but I thought it was really helpful. We talked about how I keep having a hard time breathing (not just about remembering to do it, but it's physically difficult), and that I just can't seem to get a full breath all the time. She told me that she has some asthma, and that it's a possibility that I may have it too....so I'm thinking (yet again) that I should go get it checked out. Maybe soon.

At one point, Sister Wadsworth told me that Sister Dienhart had said to her that she has seen me improving! In ballet! That came as a shock to me. I mean, I know that ballet hasn't been horrible this semester, where usually it's kind of painful in my body, but I didn't really think I was improving at all. Then Sister Wadsworth told me that she has seen me improving, too. This all really was quite a boost. I feel like I've really been struggling this semester, but talking with Sister Wadsworth today sort of just helped me realize that I'm doing a lot of movement that I'm not as familiar with. Really, I'm doing movement that I'm not as comfortable with. I'm really not a huge fan of classical type movement, whether it's modern or ballet, so I've sort of done everything I can to avoid it. And before, whenever I did have to do it, I just always dreaded it, and just grit my teeth and did it. Now, however, I've decided to gain all I can from these classes, and apparently it's paying off! It was just a really good validation for my efforts. It gave me the boost I didn't realize I needed.

Modern Tech

I actually felt pretty good about class today. Not perfect, but better than last week! I think my body really felt the effects of not meeting for Somatics at all, and so now that we met yesterday, it's back on track. When we were doing the warm-up, Sister Wadsworth told us to focus on whatever would help us the most today. Normally, I would have chosen something like "free the movement in the hip", or "lengthen out of the head and neck", or something else directly related to what we're learning in Somatics. But today, I decided I was just going to do something that I felt really confident could actually help me...kind of my comfort zone. I decided that I was going to work through the floor. I was going to give it my weight, and allow it to hold me up as we went through the movement today. It actually helped quite a bit.

I love the floor, and I've been kind of sad that we haven't done a whole lot of floor work in class this semester, just because last semester I made so much progress in that area. So today, I realized that there's really nothing stopping me from still using the floor. I'm trying to see if it can sort of be a means whereby I rid myself of bad habits. So I'm crossing my fingers!

Also, I'm starting to feel a touch more freedom in my hip. Still not as much as I would like, but I can feel a touch of something starting to loosen up in there! Every little bit counts, right?

Back to Class

It was nice to meet as a class today after having a week off! We started off with an improv, and then did some primary control with a partner. I noticed that it was reeeaaally quite difficult for me to relax and allow for freedom of movement. Sister Wadsworth even mentioned a couple of times that she could sense that none of us were breathing very well...and I know that I was definitely a contributor of that. Through both the improv and the primary control, I had to almost constantly remind myself to breathe.

I also kept trying to figure out why I was having such a hard time today. My first thought was that it was because I'm so sore today (why? I'm not totally sure...). But then again, I've been sore during previous classes, and it usually felt good to do some improv and primary control. So then I thought that maybe it's because I had the week off, and I got lazy. Maybe my body is trying to pick back up where it left off, but is just having a hard time. Which could be very accurate...and it may be that it's a combination of the time off and from having so many sore muscles.

Then we tried this exercise where we just do one simple motion--we mostly did lifting our arms above our head--and feel how we normally do it, and where we hold tension. Then we continue doing it, trying to eliminate unnecessary tension, so that we're only using what we need. Again, I was having a really hard time feeling what was supposed to be happening. I could pretty much only feel tension. Maybe it's also due to the fact that I've been trying to allow change to happen in that area of my body (you know...the whole awkward hands bit), and so I'm now in an awkward in between phase? I don't know. Hopefully I can get out of this rut soon though!

People Watching!

We didn't have class this week, due to an assignment we were given at the end of last week. We were told to take two hours to observe 4-5 people throughout the week, and write up an evaluation based on our findings. Well, it was pretty interesting...I decided to use two people I knew pretty well, and then two people I didn't know as well. I think it worked out pretty good, and it was kind of cool to learn new things about some people I was really close with, and then to be able to gain insight about some that I just recently met. Well, enough jibber jabber...here's what I discovered!

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Ellie* is my roommate, and I've known her for most of my college life. Hence, I've seen her in several different types of settings. When she is in a social setting, Ellie is very confident, and enjoys having attention. She tends to use her hands a lot when telling stories. In fact, she uses her whole body, along with sound effects, to tell stories. However, it does depend on what kind of story she's telling, and who her audience is. She's very animated when she gets excited, and when she has a large audience. But then when it's something a little more serious, or more personal, she is usually sitting back as she talks. I have noticed that she does still like to do something with her hands as she talks, though. Whether it's nursing a bottle of Sprite, or playing with a pillow in her lap, or the frayed edge of her pants, her hands are almost always doing something. It's this that shows me her lack of self-confidence. Anyone who wouldn't notice this would never realize that she is insecure...she really seems very sure of herself and confident. Then, as I talk to her, and watch her, I realize that there is much she is not confident in. Her hands are her go-to for situations in which she feels awkward.

Then, as I spend more time with her, I see how she acts when she is truly comfortable in her surroundings. Her body is less tense, and she seems to breathe more. Her approach to daily tasks—eating, getting ready, doing homework—almost seem lazy in comparison to how excitedshe is in larger group settings. She does still like to have attention, but seems to be more aware of how people around her are responding.

Her body language is also different when she is in a spiritual setting. It's an interesting blend of being casual/comfortable, and yet still respectful. She gets a bit more soft-spoken (relatively speaking) when speaking of religious or spiritual topics. Her body is set more forward than when she's doing a regular daily activity, like homework, but lacks the “excitement” and tension that she gets when in a larger group setting.

The last setting I've been able to observe her in is when she's with her boyfriend. She acts quite different around him. She generally seems completely happy to just observe, and to let him be the talker. She sort of gets this relaxed posture, with her shoulders curved a bit forward. She really doesn't even do anything with her hands, either, but just sits and watches, talking when she feels the need.

I've come to realize that I can just watch how Ellie is holding herself, or if she's excessively using her hands, and I'll be able to see whether she's at ease, or whether she feels awkward or uncomfortable.

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Guy* is my supervisor at the call center where I work, but we do get to interact with him on a few different levels throughout the workday. The first thing I noticed was how he acts when he's on the phone with a customer. He is always very eager to help whoever he's talking to, and tries really hard to tell them everything they need to know. I can see this just in the way he holds himself. He is almost always leaning forward, and will talk with his hands, even though the customer can't see him. Even his face is very expressive...he really uses his eyes and eyebrows to punctuate his sentences, as if to emphasize his point.

Whenever he's not on the phone, or doing something else directly related to his job, he usually just comes over to hang out with us, so we get to see him in more of a casual, social setting. When he does, he usually just sits on the table next to us, and takes on a more casual posture....shoulders more relaxed, and his back less upright. However, if we're all just hanging out and chatting, and then someone asks him a question that is related to work, his demeanor does change. He snaps right back into his supervisor role, and will almost always sit up a little straighter. It's actually kind of impressive that he can switch back and forth so quickly.

There are times when he gets to talk to us one on one about how we're doing, and to go over any questions we may have. I've seen him act a couple of different ways in this situation. He either sits in the same sort of position as when he's talking to a customer on the phone—like leaning forward, with his forearms on his legs. Or else he's very casual, leaning back in the chair, putting his feet up on the table, etc. I haven't really had enough time to find a real pattern in this, except that maybe he's trying to decide what is most effective for him.

With Guy, it was mostly just interesting to me how he could switch back and forth so quickly, and efficiently, really.

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Luke* is a friend in my ward. He's in my FHE group, he's a Sunday school teacher, and he's working on advertising for his new business. These all provided me with plenty of different situations to evaluate him in. First, in just a normal social setting, he's a pretty casual guy. He's very relaxed, and doesn't seem to hold too much tension anywhere. He's content to sort of sit back and let conversation happen, but will give his input when he sees fit. I did notice that when he was contributing to a conversation, he would sit more on the edge of his seat, and lean forward more, but without adding any extra tension. He doesn't use very many gestures when speaking, either.

As a Sunday school teacher, he holds himself a little straighter than he normally does. Not in a tense way, but more of an upstanding, confident way. He still doesn't use very many gestures as he speaks, and doesn't move around the room very much either. He is pretty stationary as he teaches, but he makes it work very effectively. I think it kind of puts the students in the room at ease...I know that sometimes, when teachers constantly pace the room, it can make the students anxious or nervous.

If I had to say that Luke has tension in one area of his life, I would say it's in his business that he's trying to build. Whenever he is trying to promote it, or when I ask him about it, he tends to get a little bit more rigid in his stature. I can just tell that he's pretty stressed in that area, and just wants to be able to control the outcome, even though he can't.

So, to sum things up, I would say that Luke is generally a laid-back type person, and doesn't get stressed very easily. He's confident in himself and his abilities

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Lane* is my best friend, so I didn't really think I would be surprised at all at my findings from observing her this week. I was only partially right. What I discovered only added to my knowledge of who she is.

First of all, when she gets excited about something, whether it's while doing something or while telling a story, she gets very animated in her body language. She's actually pretty spastic, especially with her arms. It doesn't really matter who she's talking to or who she's with...if she's excited, she's going to act how she feels! And on the other hand, when she's more subdued, she hardly uses her hands. But, I did notice that she actually uses her head a lot. When she's agreeing, she nods vigorously. When she disagrees, she shakes her head just as hard. Or, if she's just really passionate about whatever the subject is, just her head will come forward and lean in.

I also noticed that when she's talking to a member of the opposite sex, she tends to lean in even further during the conversation than she would normally. I've mentioned this to her, and she had no idea that she was doing it.

Mostly what I've noticed about Lane is her ability to make every single person she interacts with feel special. It's really all in her body language. She's not afraid to be open and friendly with someone she just barely met, and she's always very involved in every conversation she has.

*Names have been changed

Technique Class

I think I'm finally starting to tap into what it means to complete a movement, and to allow energy to carry through the movement! I only felt it a couple of times in class today, but I noticed when I did, my hands felt less bound, and I felt way more connected with my environment. It was so invigorating, and I wanted more! I'm not sure yet how to control it...but I have high hopes that I'll get there! It felt so much better than last class, when I just felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. Today made me feel like I'm on the road to progression.

Today we did the walking/bouncing combination for the last time. I could definitely tell a difference between this time and the first time I did it. I actually think I was even breathing more today than I normally do, which is kind of a miracle. It helps so much that I'm finally starting to get a grasp on the movement we've been doing this semester. It's really so different than what I've been doing for the past year or so, so it was kind of hard to switch my brain to this new style. But, I'm finally starting to understand it a little bit better...so I'm hoping that I'll be able to hold on to this minute victories, and then build further from them.

Tech Class

Today I mostly tried to focus on what I talked about on Monday...making sure I'm not getting lazy in the ankles, and also trying not to focus too much on my hands, and more on the energy flow in my movement. I still feel like I don't really know what I'm doing in that aspect....it may be that by trying to not think about it too much, I end up thinking about it more. Kind of like when someone tells you not to think about a purple elephant...then all you can think about is a purple elephant. Well, apparently my hands have become my purple elephant.

Other than that, I didn't really feel a whole lot of progress in class today. It was a little bit discouraging to re-realize some bad habits that never went away....it kind of makes me feel like I'm digressing, which is kind of frustrating. But, there's always tomorrow....hopefully it'll be better!

Video Feedback

I got to go into Sister Wadsworth's office today to watch myself on video. She recorded us....sometime last week, and I've been dreading/looking forward to watching it ever since. Video is easily the best way for me to improve. Because as much as I may think I'm doing something right, I definitely know there are things that need fixed and changing, and verbal feedback alone isn't quite enough.

Going through the video basically confirmed what I thought I had been feeling, and what feedback I was given this morning. So we talked about how I still have these bad habits that I've carried over since before I came up here. I remember trying to work on them when I first came up to school here, but then as I learned more about what I never knew, they got pushed to the back burner as I tried to progress through other avenues.

One thing we mentioned was my ankles...I definitely tend to supinate, which is mostly due to the fact that I've sprained each of my ankles at least once. The last time I sprained one was a couple of years ago, and so I was really focused then on regaining strength, and making sure they were in correct alignment. Then, as the pain subsided I decided to move on. Apparently that was a bad idea, as I keep going back to those bad habits. It also doesn't help that I've got Morton short toe...in fact, when I'm in relevé, if my ankles are where they're supposed to be, I'm balancing on the head of just one metatarsal. It makes it slightly difficult. Not impossible. Just difficult. I'll work through it.

The biggest thing we talked about was my hands. I feel like they're so awkward, and I never know how to carry them through movement. Whenever I watch videos of myself dancing, I feel like they're just dead weight that I'm throwing around. Then, from Kelsey's comment earlier, I realized that maybe there's too much tension in them, due to excessive attention. So Sister Wadsworth suggested that I just need to complete my movement. I do tend to cut it off without completely finishing it, and allowing the energy to go through the right pathways.

Oh, and I forgot that we talked about my hips a bit, too. I mentioned how I try to loosen them up through pliés, but my achilles tendon is kind of tight, which limits how deep I want my plié to be, which has limited the freedom I'm trying to get from my hip. But, Sister Wadsworth helped me realize that, even though I can't go super deep in my plié, it's more about the pulsing motion (in a certain combo we do in technique) that will allow for that freedom.

Sometimes it's really difficult and frustrating trying to learn how to work within my own body...but, it is possible, I'm starting to realize. It's kind of liberating, though overwhelming at the same time.

Old Habits Die Hard

We went back to doing the set warm up in class this morning. We did once all together as a class, and then we got into partners and watched each other do it. Then we gave/received feedback based on our movement. This was super helpful, especially since I had Kelsey as a partner. I think it helped that I know Kelsey, and I'm comfortable around her, so I knew that the giving/receiving of feedback would be 100% honest, without any awkwardness.

The response I got was kind of interesting, but not completely surprising. First, she told me that my floor work was really good! That made me happy, because that was something I focused on a lot last semester.

I used to have a hard time being able to "melt" into the floor, and allowing the floor to support me, so it was nice to receive validation that my efforts are paying off.

Then she talked about how I was a little bit "lazy" with my turnout, and that I tend to supinate. I'm positive this is because of how many times I've sprained my ankles and

never really let them heal. It's something I used to be highly aware of, but I think I've just gotten used to it, and sort of let the fact slide. So it's good to be made re-aware, so I can make sure my ankles are in the right place, preventing any future injuries.

Something that was interesting was that she told me there was something in the general vicinity of my arms that she didn't like....but she couldn't put her finger on it. So I suggested that it might be my hands, and then she agreed. My hands are something that I've been focusing on since probably my senior year of high school. I know that somehow I don't allow the energy to completely release out through my hands, and so I think I've become too focused on them, making them awkward and forced.

It's just kind of funny, because my ankles and my hands are things I used to be hyper-aware of, but somehow I've let them slide to the back burner. It's really good to realize that they still need attention, especially now that I have been given better "tools" to fix them with.